Letting go. One of the most difficult but vital parts of a spiritual practice, if we are serious about moving through life on a yogic pathway, we have to learn to surrender, let go and often give up.
There is no finer way to hone your ability to let go, than within relationships. We all know this and we might have managed it whilst dating or throughout our days pre-children with men, whether they were serious or not. But how about letting go of the father of your children? Not so easy? How do you let go of the man who means so much, not only to you, but to your kids and some might say, why should you? I would say, do it, if you were ever in need of a challenge to your spiritual evolution and if you ever needed to give up and surrender to anything, make him be the one.
There are some excellent excuses not to give up and let go of this man, your children still need him, you will always have decisions to make about them, you want to keep a good, healthy relationship with him for their sake and you are really only doing this for the kids. Forget it and be really truthful with yourself about why you want to maintain this relationship and not let it go. It’s time to search really deep and look at whether you are being healthy or if you have actually just found a great reason to cling to the past and not move on, keeping the dependence, the expectations of needs to be met and ensuring that any future relationships for you both, will be fraught with the baggage left between you.
Whether the break up was instigated by you or by him, sooner or later it doesn’t matter anymore. You are attached to this person because of the children you have together but Karmically your connection needs to be over and the longer you prolong it, the more you both will suffer. The more swiftly you can move to release the Karma between you though forgiveness, compassion, unconditional acceptance and surrender, the better for you I promise. He needs to keep his responsibility to the children but he no longer owes you anything and you can’t demand that from him, trying to get him to continue to fulfil a role, not only as a father but as a partner to you, could end up blurring into manipulation and control, a sad state indeed.
If it is your wish to live an authentic life, developing as a spiritual being and shining the light of your soul more brightly as you move through each challenge, then holding onto this man will not help you. We are in an age where we do not have rules for how to live in separated families, never in history have so many families been broken and so many left bringing up children alone. But the boundaries do not differ to those of relationships that break without little ones to consider, it is still important to part ways and break the ties, you need to be liberated so you can find a new relationship, and however hard it might be, so does he.
You need to get yourself to a place where you are ok with everything, where you will be able to accept your ex’s new love when it arrives and show the children that you are fine with this and that they can be too. It’s the most painful part of splitting with the father of your children and some women never manage to let go enough to accept a new woman into the lives of their kids, but you don’t want to be one of them. This is an opportunity to really grow, a challenging one, but one that will liberate you completely. Surrender to this and you are doing really well, don’t and you are going to stay very stuck, with Karmic blocks that will keep you on a repeating pattern, bringing only more hurt and heartache. Take yourself to a place where you can see yourself giving in and allowing your ex to have a healthy relationship with someone else, where the children are free to enjoy this without guilt about how you feel, where they can all live knowing that you are fine. Imagine a time where your ex, his new partner and your children can get on with their lives and where you have no need or dependency on them all, when they are together you are fine with that, you enjoy that they can spend that time and be happy without you. When the children are home with you, you enjoy that your ex is free to live his life, that he has a new love and an opportunity to start again and find peace, you don’t need him anymore, at all.
This all comes down to going very deep spiritually, its a very deep work and a strong practice, to really let go of the family you once had, the father of your children and to fully immerse yourself in being alone, being independent and giving yourself the space you need to grow. It is about being really honest about whether you are holding on to him, in a truly authentic way, or if you are using the fact that he is the father of your children, to hold a dependency on him out of fear of being alone.If there is any question about whether you are struggling to break your dependency on him, be serious with yourself about it. Let him go, let him move on, let him find new love and let that woman be a part of the lives of your children. Spend nurturing time with the children without him around, spend self healing time alone just with yourself, build yourself a life and let him do the same, without you.
As a spiritual practice this is where the work lies, if you can do this you are doing very well. You are allowing life to flow and take you where it will, you are allowing others the freedom to flow to their own destiny, this is truly giving in and giving up, true surrender, true acceptance.
To help you move through these powerful blocks that any mother feels in this situation, try calling on the Hindu God, Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. This mantra is perfect to chant as you begin the process of letting go of the father of your children, or if you are struggling to come to terms with any part of his moving on and your need to stay dependent on him.
Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha. Chant this mantra 108 times, as often as you need to, helping you to remove negative blocks on your spiritual path and reach your goal, your goal is to be free!
If you are feeling a lot of heartache and pain, be kind to yourself, this takes time, don’t rush it but hold the vision of reaching this place of surrender eventually. Look at an earlier post here for ideas to heal the raw pain of a relationship break down.